As if vagina sourdough wasn’t kooky enough, now the world has been graced (er, threatened?) with the prospect of vagina beer. Yep, you read that right—a brewski crafted with bacteria cultured from a woman’s vag. Polish startup The Order of Yoni claims it has developed the technology to capture the “quintessence of femininity” (their words, not ours) by extracting lactobacillus bacteria from the ladyparts of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova and turning it into a sour ale called Bottled Instinct.
The description on the brand’s Indiegogo site, which aims to raise 150,000 euros (about $170,775 U.S. dollars), touts that this brew will capture “her loveliness, gracefulness and character.” It goes on to paint an even more vivid (and offensive) picture: “Imagine the beer of which every sip is a randez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams. Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer.” (Translation: Can’t get laid? NBD. This beer’s like an orgy in your mouth!)
Wait, is this a fundraising drive or the next Fifty Shades of Grey? Ugh. And if the one variety wasn’t ridiculous enough, on the off-chance this fundraising campaign actually succeeds (so far they’ve only raised 234 euros after a week), the makers have plans for other flavors, including a BDSM ale (infused with smoked plums and the bacteria of a brunette or redhead model) and a blond ale, which would derive its bacteria starter from, you guessed it, a flaxen-haired model (or “celebrity”).
Now, you know we’re not afraid of a little kink, and we’re all about women owning their own sexuality, but the hypersexualized language and photos for the campaign—combined with the fact that it seems to be run by the Euro equivalent of a misogynistic dude-bro—leaves us totally skeezed out. We’ll stick with our Ommegangs and Allagashes, thank you very much.